Free to destroy

Touch me, stroke me;
Excite me, prevoke me.

You know you can, you know you want to;
You know you will, you know your free to.

Grab me, hold me;
Push me, fold me.

You know you can, you know you want to;
You know you will, you know your free to.

Grip me, take me;
Grasp me, shake me.

You know you can, you know you want to;
You know you will, you know your free to.

Capture me, hurt me;
Bind me, exert me.

You know you can, you know you want to;
You know you will, you know your free to.

Scare me, use me;
Guilt me, abuse me.

You know you can, you know you want to;
You know you will, you know your free to.

Ignore me, unfriend me,
Destroy me, end me.

You know you can, you know you want to;
You know you will, you know your free to.

Trust

Trust once broken is never quite the same again. If I am insecure, if I freak out at any little thing, if something that should make me happy makes me suspicious, its cause you broke my trust.

If you purposely keep it from me, it means there is something going on. If it was nothing, just something on the level, you wouldn't have to keep it from me would you?

That hurt still remains. And will remain until you are open with me.

Struck by the wings of a Raven
Morgan

When you're here all I want to do is enjoy the moment and be happy, but when you're gone all I can think about is the cracks in that happiness.

The moment.

I realised something about how I live my life. I live in the moment.
If I am unhappy right now, then I am unhappy. If I am happy right now, I am happy.
The past doesn't weigh in, the future might never come.

All the things that I worked towards in the past, they don't mean anything now. They're gone.
All the things I wish for the fututre, I can't count on ever happening.

For me there is only now. Last week has no relation to this week. Next week has no relation to this week. There is only this week.

There is only right now. And right now, I'm sad.

Burdened by Raven wings
-Morgan

I Heart Cars

Omg, I love cars.

I had a friend drive me to another friends house, and he turns up in a sports car. I didn't know he owned one.
Fast, low, slightly reckless. Wow that's hot.
I thought he was cute before but now... He's a challenger for my Raven alright. Well, he would be if he didn't have a girlfriend already.

I did always think he was cute, and nice. Kind. Would probably treat me better.
Ah well.
It was just a car ride.

But I did love it.

Black Dog.

I've been struggeling with a bout of the black dog over the past week.

Bursting into tears over nothing or near nothing and sitting on the  floor with the tears streaming down my face is no fun.
Currantly sitting on a wooden floor, curled up listening to Dido.
I guess that doesnt really help does it.

Ugh.
i have a headache and feel like puking.

You don't want to know this do you?
Too bad. Take the good with the bad or get out.

Wishing she could dry her eyes on Raven wings.
-Morgan

Stay out of my territory

I learned something about myself this week.
I'm a very territorial female.

I can't stand girls even looking at Him. I get very upset when His female friends leave items of clothing behind. Even if its just a little jacket, sitting on the lounge chair.
Only I get to leave clothes here.

It's like I'm a dog finding another dog's scent in my yard.
I can literally feel my lower instincts bristling fur, and raising hackles.

And if they stay the night...
He's a gentleman who gives them the bed while he stays on the couch.
I might not live there, but its my bed too.
I changed those sheets. I washed them. I put them on again. I broke them in.
There is nothing worse than finding other girls hair on the pillows.
The sheets smelling wrong.
The knowledge that someone else was in my den, my nest, my place of lust, love, comfort and rest.

It makes me grind my teeth. It will set me against other girls I might have been able to be friends with.
I find myself stalking them on fb, watching their comments, seeing if they say anything to Him.

If He tells me I don't have to worry, that He is faithful, I trust Him, and my brain can override the lower instincts that want to claw and growl and kick up a stink.
But it won't stop the instant disliking I will take and keep for the female. I will grind my teeth quietly, hate her to myself, and fantasize about doing something terrible to her. Even if she is just a friend and not after Him. (Not that I often believe that)

Nothing works to prevent this. Nothing. Not previous friendship, not pity for their situation, not anything.
 It's something that just happens.

 Deep down, I'm just an animal, who wants to keep what's hers.

Growling from underneath Raven wings
-Morgan

Ask the D20

Some people might ask their talking 8-ball when they want answers to questions no one can answer.

I ask the D20. (A twenty sided dice for those non-gamers out there)
So I was bored, and had the silly idea of asking the D20 some questions while I was waiting for the others to get to the gaming table and settle down.

Now when some people ask their 8-ball, or tarot cards, or their eraser with yes, no, maybe written on the sides (who didn't do that in school?) they like to ask out loud.
Now I think that if I'm asking the Universe questions, it's because it's omnipotent, it will know what I'm asking if I just think it.
If it's not omnipotent, then why am I asking it? Besides, I don't want the whole world to know what I'm asking. This way I can ask in a room full of people and what the dice rolls only means something to me. They don't even know I'm asking anything, I could just be warming my dice up.

So the questioning of the dice went like this:

How do I look today? 13

How do I feel today? 9

Am I going to do well in game tonight? 10

Then I got a little more personal, a little more specific in my questioning.

Are me and Him going to work out? 1  ...well fuck.

Are me and Him going to last long? 20    Well maybe we'll enjoy it while it lasts.

Am I going to make Him happy? 19    That's good.

Is he going to make me happy? 5       Bollocks.

Are you telling me the truth or just messing with me? 10

Should I stop asking the dice questions? 20.

And that was that. Do I really believe what the dice had to say? I dunno. It refused to say whether it was telling the truth. But even if it had, I don't really believe that the future is set in stone.
Perhaps asking those things and receiving those answers will make those answers come true. ...or perhaps see those answers will make me determined to change them.

Only time will tell.

Testing the wind under Raven wings
-morgan

Passing out

So recently, at Martial Arts Class, I participated in my first actual sparring contest.

I was up against a guy who was almost twice my size and definitely twice my strength, so I was, fairly doomed from the beginning. Despite this I put up the best fight I could, landed some strikes, escaped a grasp, but inevitably he got a grip on me and put me in a headlock.

In about five seconds, things started getting dark, but being the stubborn little bitty that I am I refused to tap out. Five more seconds later in the act of trying to elbow him I passed out.

It was quite an interesting experience. During the time I was passed out it wasn't like the time went missing like some people say its like when they pass out. I had sort of a dream. The first words out of my mouth when I woke up and found the Sensi's face looking down at me anxiously, informing me I had passed out and asking if I was okay were: "I had a dream"

The dream was this:
I was lying down on something comfortable, like a bed or a couch, in an fairly open room, something like a large lounge room. Whatever I was on was at side of the room. Somehow I knew this without seeing anything, my eyes were firmly, but comfortably closed.
I didn't remember that I had been in a fight. I knew something had happened to me, but it didn't matter what, because I was safe and being looked after, and knew that I was going to be okay. I was so comfortable and so happy, like I had no worries in the world. I have never felt so reassured and cared for ever.

 To the left, there were some a other beings in the room. I got the impression that they were humanoid, no idea why. They were a little while away from me, talking to each other. There were at least three in the group talking, but there were also a couple of others passing though the area.

I couldn't quite hear what they were talking about. It could have been me, but I couldn't tell. I just couldn't quite hear what they were saying. I was trying to hear, but not too hard cause I was feeling content.

If I had to put a time on how long this went on for I would have said at least three minuets, maybe longer. Probably longer. I had apparently only been out for 10 seconds.

When I first opened my eyes I was slightly annoyed and a little disappointed, I had been happy and I had wanted to hear what they had been talking about.

Some people I talked to think this may have been a near death experience. Perhaps. Perhaps the three beings talking were my guardian angels deciding to send me back.

I don't know. What I do know is where ever I was I felt very good. More peaceful than I have felt since I was very small. But I know enough not to try to go back. Instead I will do my best to remember that feeling and bring it here in times of fear and stress.

Enjoying the breeze from passing Raven wings
-Morgan

St Valentine's Day

So, it's Valentines day once again, and my opening blog shall be thoughts of this.

Is this day a day that is really necessary to celebrate, or even healthy in the long run?
 
Everyone makes it such a big deal whether they are alone or in a couple. Those alone either have to spout how proud they are at being happy while alone, or commiserate at how alone they are.
Couples, they hold hopes that their partner will remember or get something they like, and either are delighted or disapointed. Joy and misery all piled up everywhere, and flamboyantly plastered all over every social network, making them look like some sick bipolar meeting of love and heartbreak and loneliness.

It's one day same as all the rest, why do we have to attach such hope and horror to it?
Just cause it was great last year doesn't mean its gunna be great this year and just cause it was a train wreck last year doesn't mean its gunna this year.

Why does everyone care so much? Its a generic love day.
The kinda of dates I remember are: 'First time we kissed' dates, and 'The first time I stayed the night' dates.
Personal, special, different for every couple, every relationship, that way the next girl or boy doesn't have to collect your last relationships valentines day baggage.

Today is a day I prefer to ignore. It's just hard when the rest of the world insist on making it a big deal.

So tonight, I toast all the non traditional days in which we celebrate love and curse the commercialism and close-minded trend-followers and traditionalists that make Valentines day a day about couples love, rather than about the broader meaning of the word, that includes friends and family as well.

To me, that would be the only way to redeem a generic celebration of love.

Wishing she was hiding under Raven wings
-Morgan